Broken
by Drive all night
Summary: Just a little short story on Adam's first reaction to Kim's admission in the Court Room...(Burzek)
1. Broken

A/N: I was a little disappointed that they never showed the fall out from the Court Case and Kim's Admission and how it affected Ruzek and the ramifications. I know they can't fit everything in but just ignoring major plot lines makes it frustrating to watch. They had so many missed opportunities last season to round out and show some development of all the characters but instead, in this case left us trying to put the pieces together in a very poorly written and handled storyline.

Broken.

Betrayed.

He couldn't think of any other words right now that would or could explain how he felt. Wait…

Crushed

Heartbroken

Embarrassed

They kept coming. In waves, crashing over him one after the other. He couldn't breathe or speak. The walls were closing in around him and he looked for the exit, but he couldn't move. So he just sat, head bowed and tried not to scream, or cry or vomit.

As soon as they were done he burst through the doors and flew down the steps, he could hear Atwater behind him, calling his name. He had felt his hand on his back when she destroyed him now he didn't want anyone to touch him, ever again. The thought of physical contact made his skin crawl.

What had he done to make her hate him? How could she be so cruel? How could he be so stupid?

He jumped in his truck, his heart was racing, unnaturally so and for a brief moment he wondered if it was going to stop all together. Slamming it into drive he got out of the parking lot in record time, he needed not to be here anymore. And he drove.

All those pieces were starting falling into place.

He should have seen it coming. Obviously she never loved him like he loved her. He'd been a fool for following his heart. She made him look like a fool in front of everyone he worked with. He'd pined for her, they all knew it and had tired to pull him up but he resisted because he still had hope.

Hope….what a pathetic word. He had hope and she was just laughing at him, they both were. She wouldn't even talk to him; he'd tried. Sure it was strange for him and he didn't know what to do. He'd never had to fight for a woman. In all honesty more often than not he had to fight them off.

He tried to talk to her a few times and she brushed him off. What was he supposed to do? Hire a skywriter. He'd spent hours, alone trying to join the dots. It wasn't him that asked to push the wedding back, twice! Sure he didn't jump up and down with excitement about wedding plans, but he loved her.

Now the dots were connecting. She'd called it off to be with him. He'd been right. Al told him to stop 'chasing tail'. He was a fucking fool.

He'd felt like shit that day he told Roman that he could date her. Jealousy was never his thing, he trusted her and he was trying to make her see what he was up to. He'd had his suspicions all along, that Roman was into her and it was the odd thing she would say, things that Roman had told her or said to her about marrying a cop. But he trusted her completely and trusted her to put him in his place if need be. So that day, when his jealousy finally bubbled over he felt like shit and thought he could see how upset she was. He thought he saw that she still loved him. How fucking dumb was he? They were probably already fucking?

How long had it been going on? How long had he they been laughing behind his back at how pathetic he was? Who else knew? Probably everyone…

Some words floated back to him from the court. 'We had just started….' Sure, was that another lie? He couldn't trust a word she said anymore.

He found a bar; a long way from anywhere and it was almost empty. The barman eyed him suspiciously as he pulled up a stool and demanded a beer and a shot of whiskey. It was not the kind of place you wore a suit and he stood out like a sore thumb to the three other people occupying the stools along the bar. No one spoke to each other, looked at each other or even acknowledge that they weren't alone. This was exactly the place he needed to be, where no one knew his name or his pain. A place where no one cared.

Slamming it back he let the roughness of it sting his throat. He shook his head and ordered another. He could feel his phone buzzing in his pocket. Ten missed calls, but it was the text message from her that caught his eye.

 _Adam, I'm sorry. Please can we talk? I want to explain things to you._

He knew he shouldn't reply but he couldn't help himself. He wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt him, although he wasn't sure that was even possible. _'Fuck you.'_ He sent back. Luckily he had the sense to delete the rest of the message he'd typed. That was enough.

 _Adam please. Just let me know you are okay?_

He deleted it and her number and turned his phone off. She wanted to explain things to him…now. She wanted to talk to him now? What about the last few months? Why hadn't she wanted to talk to him then? No, he wasn't going to let her off the hook. She had her chance; she'd made her bed… he laughed bitterly to himself….. and she'd chosen Sean fucking Roman's bed so she could rot in it. There was no way he was giving her the satisfaction of making herself feel better.

It was too late. He knew everything he needed to know. It was over, the last glimmer of hope he had snuffed out. When he approached her in the locker room despite knowing she was in shock he saw something in her eyes, he felt something in the way she touched his arm. Was this all a game to her? She was like a cat playing with a mouse, cruel and unfeeling and relentless.

What had he done to her to make her hate him like she did? Why hadn't he ever seen this side of her, this cruel, heartless side of her? How blind was he? He thought of another word.

Stupid.

The third shot made his head buzz, it was only doing half it's job. It was numbing the pain but it wasn't making him forget. So he ordered another.

He was smart enough to ask the barman to type the address of the bar into his phone so that he could come back and get his car tomorrow before he staggered from the building. The cold night air hit him like a slap in the face as he waited for his cab.

His anger turned inward. He hated himself. He hated himself for being scared of marriage, for being stubborn when he didn't chase after her, for letting himself believe that she would come back. For not doing anything, not that he had any idea what she wanted. She never told him what the problem was because she never spoke to him again. 'I'm letting you off.' That was the last complete sentence she had said to him. Every other time he had approached her to talk he had got single words. 'I'm fine…thanks Ruzek…' God, how stupid could one man be. Why did he keep coming back for more?

Sure he wasn't exactly coherent, it was clumsy but he was just trying to at least break the ice and hope that it would lead somewhere but he felt like she shut him down at every opportunity. He'd done everything she'd asked. _'Let's push back the wedding date.'_ …Sure, if that's what you want. _'Let's not worry about the wedding until this blows over.'_ …Okay but you are the best thing I've got going on. _'We need a place of our own.'_ …Once Al gets back on his feet we'll do that.

The dinner with their parents, that was shitty. His Dad bailed on him and he'd pulled the pin, thinking that it was more about their parents meeting than him. Kim had made it all about them meeting and never really mentioned that it was more about him meeting her mother. She knew how he struggled with parental relationships, they weren't easy for him and he had never hid that from her. The bitterness of his parents divorce and the subsequent decade long battles had worn him down. She knew all this but didn't seem to factor it in. Perhaps if she had called him on his bullshit things would have been different. But then again perhaps she was just looking for a way out so that she could start fucking her partner.

He hated himself for being weak.

And he was weak because he still loved her.


	2. Fortitude

Fortitude.

Strength.

Thank God he was smart enough to pull the pin early, drink plenty of water and knock back a couple of Advil before he went to bed. His hangover was manageable, he only hoped his anger was too. His head throbbed a little and he had debated whether he felt shit because of the alcohol, the fact he hadn't eaten or because of everything else; the shit storm that his life had become.

He jumped in a cab and picked up his deserted truck on the way into work. It was a fair trip and he didn't realise how long it was going to take so he dashed up the stairs, well and truly late. Voight took one look at him and he knew he was in trouble. "Sorry Boss." He mumbled as he threw his jacket over the back of his chair and joined in the discussion on their current case.

Once the jobs were handed out Voight called him into his office. "Explanation?"

"Sorry Boss, I had to go and grab my truck, I left it at a bar last night rather than drive home. It took longer than I expected."

Voight nodded. "You okay? That had to be rough yesterday." He had left a message for him, one of the many who did. He just wanted to check in because no matter what he thought about his relationship drama he knew that what went on in the Court had to hurt. Hell it would have pissed him off no end if the boot been on the other foot. He would have never let that type of revelation blindside anyone he cared about. That was brutal. So he cut him some slack and he was surprised he actually turned up at all.

"Yep, Good to go." And he was. Somewhere deep within himself he found the fortitude to not let it break him. If this was how it was now then he had to just dust himself off and get on with living. He couldn't continue to care about someone who obviously had very little concern for him. He wasn't going to let her continue to kick him in the balls. Her life was of no concern to him anymore.

Well that's what he kept telling himself; one day he might actually believe it.

It had been a few days and Erin always looked like she had swallowed a bug whenever she came near him. "What is it Lindsay?" Adam finally spat out as they stood in the basement gearing up for their next job, he couldn't stand the sideway glances anymore and the silence and stilted conversations.

"Have you spoken to Kim?"

"No." He tugged on the straps of his vest making sure it was secure.

"She's worried about you."

He turned and grabbed the weapon that was waiting for him on the bench, checking that it's safety was on and slung it over his shoulder. "Doubt that. I am sure she has better things to do that worry about me now." He swallowed the rest of his bitter retort having decided that to be the bigger man and that meant not dragging himself down into gutter. He wanted to add that he was sure Roman could screw her and make her feel better…but he didn't. He ate it and it felt like he had swallowed a rock.

"Ruzek, don't be an ass. What did you expect her to do?" It wasn't the fact that she had moved on that bothered him, he knew that would probably happen at some point but it was the way he found out about it. That's what hurt and whom she decided to move on with….that sucked big time. Of all the people in Chicago she chose to screw it had to be someone they both worked with, someone she knew had anger issues and zero regard for anyone else's feelings, including hers. He felt like he was a puppy who was having his nose rubbed in his own shit.

"Lindsay, mind your own business." Thankfully Voight appeared and asked them if they were right to go. He rolled his shoulders to release a knot of tension that always settled over him before a raid and nodded to his Boss. "Let's do this."

By the time they got back to the District night had started to fall and all he wanted to do was get out of here. The longer he spent in this place the more chance he had of running into them. Although he had decided that it was in his past he wasn't quite ready to see them together just yet.

"Adam." He heard her voice before he felt her presence. The hair stood up on the back of his neck and he stayed, head buried in his locker until he knew how he was going to react. "I'm sorry I…" she started when he showed no signs of even looking at her.

Suddenly he knew how he was going to react. He straightened up, closed his locker door and held his bag tightly in his hand. "I said everything I wanted to say to you."

"Is that it?" He could see her hands starting to shake and tears brimming in her eyes. He had seen all that before, he'd seen that in this room. He'd held her in this room while she cried, time and again. He'd supported her, comforted her, encouraged her, fell in love with her and proposed to her in this room. Was she seriously laying this on him here? Nope, he wasn't having any of it. "Adam, please." She took a tentative step towards him as she chewed on her bottom lip. He had loved it when she did that; she looked vulnerable but that was no longer going to work.

He couldn't do this. "Don't Burgess." He held up his hand.

"I owe you…" Again he cut her off.

"Go home, go back to your boyfriend." He almost choked on the word. "Have a good life Burgess." From the corner of his eye, as he stepped around her he could see that she was hurt by his bluntness and the iciness of his voice. But why should he care? It still didn't come close to how it felt to hear in a Court Room full of your peers that your fiancé, sorry recently ex-fiancé had started screwing around with her partner. It didn't hurt as much as having her seem happy not to be with him anymore. Every time he had seen her at the District, or a crime scene after they broke up…. _well actually after she broke up with you, he reminded himself_ , because that was all on her….the only time she looked unhappy was when he tried to talk to her.

He had loved her laugh, she was always happy, they had laughed a lot and now she was only happy when she was with him. They seemed joined at the hip, which had frustrated him because he could never get her alone to try and talk to her. He was always hanging around. Now he knew, the joke was on him because they were joined at the hip….literally. He shuddered. The visual of that made him want to vomit.

Slipping on his running shoes he hit the pavement, it was a much better idea than hitting the bottle. If he wanted to show people that he was the bigger man and that he was strong he had to make good choices. Turning up hung-over wasn't the way to prove to everyone that she hadn't broken him. Turning into a wreck wasn't the way to show her that he didn't need her…not anymore.

 _Even if he did._

Al told him to make a decision. Did he want to chase tail or be a good cop? At the time he hated him for that, surely he could be both? He could be happy and married and be a good cop. The previous months, before everything went to shit he was doing both. They had been together for a year and not once did anyone have to question his commitment to his job and his career. Why did he have to choose? Now he knew why and he made a choice. It was his career, his job and his life now.

Popping in his ear buds it didn't take long to completely zone out, the pounding of his feet on the hard road surface filled his head and he felt his breath easing in and out. His music kept the steady beat going and he continued on until he couldn't breathe anymore and he slowed to a walk, sucking in the long slow breaths and he looked around and was surprised how far he had run. See, he thought to himself, you can put everything else aside and focus on what was important. You can avoid distractions; you can do anything you want.

When he got home he grabbed his phone. A few days ago he wouldn't have left the house without it, he didn't want to miss the one call he was waiting for. It never came. Now the less he looked at it the better he felt. There was a call from Halstead and one from Atwater. They were hitting up Molly's for a drink and wanted him to join them. Quite honestly that was the last place he wanted to go so he turned his phone off, grabbed a shower ordered a pizza and popped the top off a beer. His own company was all he felt capable of handling.

Next time, he told himself. Next time they asked he would go.

While he knew what he had to do and what he was going to do, actually putting it into practice was a different matter. That was going to take time and he decided that was okay. So when he had to be at work and around them and, more importantly in her orbit he would put on a brave face. When he was alone he could do whatever he liked. He could be angry, he could be heartbroken, he could wallow and lick his wounds and eventually the tables would turn and he wouldn't have to live his life in two halves.


	3. Under Seige

Attacked

He felt like he was under attack and he had no idea why. Lindsay kept attacking him. He asked her to back off, mind her own business and to leave him alone but nothing worked. She was relentless. "You know Kim has been trying to call you?"

"No." he shrugged. And that was a lie. Of course he knew that she had tried to call him, well until he blocked her number. The daily missed calls from her number made it difficult to stick to his plan. Sure he had deleted her from his contact list but he knew that number, it was burned into his soul so he blocked it. He didn't really care if Lindsay believed him or not.

"Don't you think you owe her at least the chance to explain?"

"Explain what exactly?" Ruzek popped the lid off his coffee and added a sugar. It was unusually bitter today, a bit like his mood.

Erin looked blank for a moment. She had no idea but Kim kept at her, asking about Ruzek and desperately trying to get Erin to talk to him. Halstead warned her not to get involved, not to get in the middle of it. The thing was, according to Ruzek there was no middle, not anymore. "She was confused and hurt."

"She was confused and hurt?" he couldn't quite believe what he was hearing; if anyone had a reason to be confused it was him. Not that anyone seemed to care about that. "I did exactly what she wanted. She wanted to push the wedding back."

"When? No she didn't, she never wanted that. Did you expect her to wait around forever?"

"For what? It was her idea to put off the wedding. Hers, not mine. Why don't you ask her why she didn't want to marry me? Why don't you have a go at her instead of attacking me for doing exactly what she wanted." The bitterness of the coffee had spilled over into the tone of his voice.

Now he was confused.

Then he got angry again, because he didn't want to think about her anymore. What did that mean? Why did she ask him to push the wedding back if that was not what she wanted? Was this all part of her twisted little game?

He softened his tone. "Look Erin, I appreciate that Kim is your friend but I don't want to think about it anymore. What's done is done. She's moved on and I am trying to do the same. For the love of god just let me. This conversation is over." He swallowed the last of his coffee and tossed the cup in the bin. They were grabbing a quick break before they had to shove their sweaty asses back into a surveillance van. If this topic was going to go on all night things were going to get ugly.

Then it was Atwater. "You know Bro, I get that it hurts but you gotta sort this out."

Adam sighed and wondered who was next. Perhaps he could ask Voight if he could drive himself to jobs because as soon as his ass hit the seat someone started on him. "Sort what out exactly?"

"You and Burgess. You gotta talk it out."

"There is no me and Burgess."

"So that's it?"

"Yep." Thankfully his phone crackled to life and Voight's gravelly voice interrupted them ordering them to a crime scene. He pulled out seamlessly into the traffic and headed in the direction they needed to go. Atwater was staring at him, he could feel his eyes boring into the side of his head but he stared straight ahead. Why was everyone so hell bent on making this hard for him? Why couldn't they just drop it?

"It's your stubborn arse that got you into this situation." Atwater growled at him.

"And what exactly does that mean? I am fine. I have accepted it. Sometimes things are not meant to be, this was on of those things. I wish you would all just fucking accept it. I have." Why didn't anyone believe him?

"Talk to her."

He'd had enough; this was giving him a headache and suddenly the last thread of control finally snapped. "I tried. I fucking tried. Every single time she blew me off. Every single fucking time." He slammed his hand into the steering wheel and angrily wiped the spittle from his mouth. "Even that day, when she shot that kid I went to see her and told her that I still cared about her _'a lot'_ and you know what she said?"

Atwater sucked on his bottom lip and shook his head. His anger and rage had sucked all the air out of the car and he cracked a window to let some of the tension out. It didn't help.

"Nothing, not a god damn thing. She was fucking Roman and she said nothing. I found out in Court. She dumps me, refuses to talk to me, tells me nothing and then jumps into bed in him and doesn't have the common courtesy of giving me the heads up." A sudden honk on the horn bought his attention back to the road ahead and he fell silent. Atwater was still watching him, he watched him as the anger ebbed away.

"I am sure she didn't want it to go day that way."

Briefly he turned his head in Atwater's direction. "No? How do you think she wanted it to go down?"

"I don't know man. Perhaps she was going to tell you but the ambush just got in the way."

"Whatever. It's done. She got caught with her hand on his dick. She may not have wanted it to go down that way but it did. If she's suddenly got a guilty conscious that's her problem."

The only one who didn't have a swing at him was Al. He just patted his back. "Let's get to work." He said when he came back to work the day after the Court Case and that was it. He appreciated it.


	4. Betrayed

Now he had been betrayed before, very recently in fact but fuck this one hurt. Perhaps he could stick his balls on a string and hang them from the door of the locker room and every single fucking person who walked through could kick them.

Atwater had agreed to stop talking about his failed engagement if he agreed to come out for a drink. Stupidly he went along thinking that his mate, his best man would have his back. His foot had barely hit the top step of Molly's when he saw them. Together. Laughing.

This was supposed to be about him, getting back into the swing of things. "Man, you gotta get out of your bat cave. One drink Bro." Kevin had begged him. More than a week had passed since they last had it out in the car and no one had mentioned it again and life got back to normal. Well his work life did anyway.

The one time he had seen her at work she was closer than he hoped. The back stairs were his saving grace; he used them instead of the Front Entrance every opportunity he got. It also had the bonus effect of not running into Sgt Platt. That was just awkward and he heard whispers that she had gone into bat for them to stay together on Patrol. He long suspected he could cross her off his Christmas card list and that just confirmed it. He knew that she had Kim's back, she was her Boss and he honestly didn't mind. Platt would have her back and his team would have his. Or that was how the story was supposed to go.

That day, even the back stairs didn't save him. He stepped around the corner and came face to face with her. "Hey Adam." She stopped, smiling nervously.

He stood to the side and held up his hands so that she could pass. What the fuck was she waiting for? She stood there for just a moment waiting for him to respond. Waiting for him to say something, anything. "How are you?" the words slipped out of her mouth lamely when he didn't speak.

 _"How am I?"_ he wanted to scream, _"How the fuck do you think I am?"_ He wanted to grab her by the shoulders and make her stare into his eyes and see the pain she had caused, but he didn't _._ "Late." Was the only word that came out as he stepped past her and never looked back. He did not know how long she stood there, he didn't know if she even cared.

Now, he stood frozen on the top step until he felt people behind him, wanting to get past. What the fuck was his best friend doing sitting at the bar having a good laugh and a beer with Sean Roman. The one man he thought would have his back. He apologised as he stepped aside and literally ran back to his truck. He had no idea if they saw him. As he sat in his truck trying to stop his hands shaking he saw Burgess approach the bar with a skip in her step. Fuck, he needed to get out of here. He could only imagine the scene inside. The three of them laughing and joking, probably about him. _'Did you see him? Being a coward, hiding in his truck. How pathetic. Ha, ha, ha.'_

Yep, just make sure the string was long enough so people didn't have to make much of an effort to kick his balls. He would want anyone wasting any time or energy on him.

The joke was on him. In a matter of weeks the woman he loved and his best friend had betrayed him. The only way that could of hurt more was if she had started screwing him instead of Roman. How could Atwater invite him for a drink and then sit and wait at the bar for him with the one guy he didn't want anything to do with and her, he didn't want to see her either.

 _'Bro, where are you?'_ He looked at Atwater's message as he slammed down another shot. This was smoother than the last time he did this, he hadn't driven as far and this bar was a little less seedy. He deleted the four messages he typed out before finally pressing send on the last one. It was a little less harsh.

 _'Not joining that party.'_

 _'Huh?'_

He didn't answer.

When Atwater came bounding up the stairs the next day Ruzek didn't even look up from his desk. He was scanning through his emails, deleting all the crap that seemed to multiple every day. No he didn't need Viagra from some dodgy Canadian Online Drug Store. He slammed his finger onto the delete button repeatedly.

"Dude, what happened to you last night?" Atwater slung his jacket over the back of his chair and reached over to turn on his computer. "You left me hangin'."

"You seemed to have plenty of company."

"Huh?"

He didn't answer.

Atwater rested a hand on his hunched shoulder and he shrugged it off angrily. "Bro, you okay?"

"You know what Atwater. I am fine."

"What's up your ass?"

He pushed his chair back slowly, which took all his very limited self-control. What he really wanted to do was slam it against the wall and lose his shit all over the room, but he didn't. He just walked into the Break room and poured himself a bad cup of coffee. Bad coffee bad mood, it seemed like a perfect match to him.

He tried to ignore Atwater leaning on the doorframe waiting for an answer or an explanation. Saying nothing would have been the wisest course of action but the bullpen was empty and that made him a little less cautious. "You know what I hoped for? That the guy I had asked to be my best man, when I married the love of my life wouldn't help her twist the knife in my back. Why don't you and Burgess and Roman all just go and get the fuck out of my life." He pushed past him, which was no mean feat because one thing Atwater had on him was size. But they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, well you could probably add that hell hath no fury like a man betrayed.

By the time Ruzek reappeared from the locker room, or wherever he took himself off to the rest of the team had filed in so Atwater had no chance to talk to him. The day didn't give them a chance either and as much as it drained every single ounce of Ruzek's energy he did his best not to let his frustration, anger or whatever you wanted to call it to effect his work. This was exactly what he did not want to happen. This is what he desperately wanted to avoid.

The knock on the door was not unexpected. He debated whether to answer it but he wasn't going away, the repeated banging was fast becoming annoying. "What?" he yanked open the door and made no move to let him in.

"Bro, what's going on?"

"You tell me?"

"You expect me to just ignore Burgess because you've got the shits with her?"

"No Kev, you can do whatever you want. You can sit at the bar and drink beers and have a good old laugh about how pathetic I am with Roman all you want. I've been shat on too much lately to care anymore. If you want to be best buddies with Burgess and Roman knock yourself out and perhaps they'll invite you to their wedding. Maybe you can be his best man. But you and I are done." He waved his hand back and forth between them. "We work together, that's it."

"Let me in."

"I'm tired. I've had a rough couple of days."

"Look he just turned up, we had a chat. Then Burgess turned up and she was my partner too and I wanted to make sure she was okay. It's been a rough few weeks for her too."

"She bought on herself." He stepped back and let him in. More for the fact that his neighbours were nosy enough and having it out in the hallway would give them far too much information. He preferred to keep his life as private as possible. "If she wasn't feeling him up in the front seat maybe they would have seen the kid coming at them."

"Bro, come on."

"What do you want Kev?"

"I want to know that you are okay?"

"What do you care?" He pushed a smile onto his face and walked back towards the door. "I'm fine. If you're done, I'll see you at work on Monday."

"You know he's been pensioned out? He's leaving."

"So?" Adam shrugged.

"He's leaving town."

"I might give their going away party a miss." His hand was still resting on the doorknob. Nothing had changed for him; the only difference would be that he wouldn't bump into them anymore. They were already out of his life; this would make it so much easier.

"You really want her to go?"

"You know what Atwater, I've been kicked around. I've been hurt, betrayed, lied to and I've had my heart broken over and over again. I can't do it anymore. I can't care about anyone else anymore. I need to look out for myself because no one else will." He opened the door and stood aside making it blatantly obvious that his presence was no longer wanted.

He closed the door behind him and tried not to think about what Atwater had just told him. He didn't care, he couldn't care…. _he didn't want to care._


	5. Pity

He seriously wished that he had called in sick today, even more so when Roman walked in. Seeing everyone just about fall over themselves to wish him all the best made his head throb. Perhaps he could just slip out of the room and hope no one would notice but that would be childish so he sat at his desk and did his best to ignore what was going on around him. Somehow he knew that it would come back to bite him on the ass if he was petulant, as he felt he had every right to be but somehow someone would have a go at him for being an ass. He also refused to give this smug prick the satisfaction. Roman would know exactly how uncomfortable this had to make him but he was unlikely to care because the only person Roman ever cared about was himself.

He wished he'd just hurry up and fucking leave.

Then he was standing beside his desk, offering his hand. All he wanted to do was punch him in the throat but every single person was watching him so he stood up shook his hand and did his best not to wipe his hands on his jeans in disdain. He didn't want to shake hands with the man who, without any other information to the contrary he blamed for his current predicament. He didn't want to touch those hands that had probably been all over her that morning. The thought of that made him feel sick.

Why wouldn't he just fucking leave? And why was everyone feeling sorry for him? He had shown them zero respect when he worked with them, constantly undermining or whinging about Intelligence and acting like they were beneath him and suddenly everyone was falling over themselves to wish him well. The guy had done nothing to prove he would lay his life on the line for any of them yet they seemed quite happy to let him hang around and couldn't give a damn about how hard this must of have been for him. A guy who constantly seemed to let his partner fend for themselves.

I mean he didn't give a shit that he was incapacitated and couldn't do his job when he let Burgess chase down that guy the day they found the kid in the fridge. He didn't have her back that day, although he was happy to get her on her back the first chance he had.

He still wasn't convinced that the night Burgess got shot his actions weren't partly responsible. He knew that Burgess didn't follow protocol about standing to the side but she was at her wits end due to the fact that he had been fighting all day with his ex and while she didn't blame him Ruzek wasn't as willing to forgive and forget. It had always nagged at him.

Sure, the bone marrow thing was a good thing. Hitting on the mother, not exactly classy but helping out the kid was a stand up thing to do. But one swallow does not a summer make….

The day got no better and the hits just kept coming….

"Hey Adam."

Fuck, she was the last person he wanted to see. He needed a clean shirt from his locker after some idiot had spilt his blood all over him during his last arrest. Sure he may have had something to do with the guy bleeding but he asked for it. Someone was always going to bleed that day, pity it wasn't the one guy he thought deserved it.

"Last day?" he pushed out between gritted teeth.

"I'm not leaving."

"Pity." The word slipped out before he could stop it and he knew that it hurt. He should have felt satisfied with that, with inflicting some level of hurt on her after what she had done to him but he didn't. "Sorry, that was rude."

He closed his locker door and sighed. It was physically draining being so broken. Before she could regain her composure, the composure his harsh words had ripped from her he was gone. It may have been exhausting carrying his heartbreak with him constantly but he still wasn't ready to forgive her for giving it to him.

Suddenly he found himself and the ass end of a Voight rage. He'd questioned what Justin was up to, his involvement in their current case had leapt out at him and the moment he opened his mouth he knew he was cooked. Perhaps it was his current state of mind; that he was sick of being kicked around and that was what made him speak up. He didn't really care what the fall out would be; everyone else was just sitting with their thumbs up their asses trying to ignore the facts. Al had backed him up. Told him that what he said was stupid and gutsy all at once. It was exactly what he was paid to do.

His love of soda, or more so his desperate need to get out of the bullpen and get some sugar would one day be the death of him. It was tense upstairs, everyone was on edge and he needed to get out. However he should have chosen more wisely. Perhaps a quick walk around the block would have been better for his health, physically and mentally.

The moment he dropped his coins in the slot and pushed the button he watched the can fall and his heart followed. "So, Tell me precisely what you think you are doing?"

"Getting a drink." He held the can up but the look on Platt's face was far from amused, although that wasn't unusual when she looked at him. It never had been.

"Oh okay wise guy." She waved her hand, her annoyance level having been kicked up a notch. "Continue being a stubborn mule. It's what you are good at."

"And what have I done this time?" He was clearly just as exasperated and she was.

"You talked to Burgess yet?"

He sighed and rolling his head back and staring at the ceiling before cracking the top of the can and taking a long drink. "Why?" the shrug of his shoulders seemed to set her off again. "We don't have a case that needs Patrol so I have no need to talk to any Patrol Officers today." He was trying to forget that she was different. Now he wanted to see her like he saw any other Cop in this building, just one of the many.

"This is exactly what got you into this situation."

"And what situation is that?"

"Not talking to her, taking her for granted. Your whole run away groom routine."

"Need I remind you that it wasn't me who called it off, it wasn't me who asked to push back the wedding date."

"What?"

"Why don't you ask Burgess? I wasn't the one who kept asking to put off the wedding. Tell me why should I crawl back on my hands and knees and beg her to take me back when she obviously didn't really love me in the first place?" He pointed to his chest, to his broken heart. "Like I loved her. I wasn't the one who jumped into bed with the first piece of ass that came her way."

"Then why was she constantly crying over my desk about your reluctance to set a date?"

Ruzek shook his head. Why did everyone keep telling him that it was all his fault; that he didn't want to marry her? It made no sense to him. What game was she playing? How many people had she fooled? He was obviously top of her list but it seemed he wasn't alone. "Maybe it was some perverse game she dreamt up with her boyfriend." He spat out. "Cos you know what? I've been kept in the dark from the get go, so if you can shed some light on the whole situation be my guest."

He knew he wasn't perfect, but who was? Having got sucked into the whole wedding planning merry-go-round with Wendy he just couldn't get excited about it. It had surprised him how enthusiastically Kim embraced the idea. They had spent many a night laughing at all manner of reality TV shows about Bridezillas. So when Kim had suggested they push it back he was more than happy to agree and he wasn't about to bring it up again unless she did. Party planning was not his thing and she knew that from the get go. Organising beers, that he was okay with; picking flowers, churches, and dinner settings was just not his forte.

Dragging his feet on the apartment hunt wasn't intentional. They had Al living with them and dealing with the sudden appearance of a teenage daughter was more than enough. Suddenly Kim wanted to find another place when he had barely settled into the one he had. He suggested she just formally move in with him, she was there just about every day anyway but that wasn't good enough. It had annoyed him a little that any suggestion he made was met with an eye roll. Apparently he was supposed to want exactly the same things as her, without knowing what that actually was. He also really liked his place.

He pushed past Platt, who for once was speechless. He didn't even care when he almost bowled over the one person he didn't want to see as he came from around the desk. Had she heard anything? The look on her face told him that she had, not that he cared. He took a mouthful of his soda as he stared dispassionately at her and didn't even bother to say sorry. Even the fragile tension they had going up upstairs was better than this.

"Care to explain?" Platt appeared behind him as he took off upstairs. She looked sterner than usual and coupled with the look she just got from Ruzek, Burgess just about passed out on the spot. Platt thought she had joined all the dots when Burgess had told her that Ruzek didn't want to get married so why was he telling her that it was her idea? Why would he lie? Now those nice straight lines she had used to join the dots in this sorry tale suddenly became a little more blurry.

"About what?"

"Why does your run away groom suddenly think that it was you who wanted to push back the wedding?"

"He didn't want to set a date."

"Did you tell him you wanted to wait, to push it back?"

"It was a test."

Platt ripped off her glasses and planted her hands firmly on her hips. "A what?"

"He wasn't supposed to agree." Kim hands were shaking. "Sean said that if he didn't want to get married Adam would agree if I asked to push it back and I was his third engagement so he obviously likes the trailer better than the movie." Her voice trailed off. It seemed actually saying it out loud made it sound stupid. It had made much more sense in her head.

"Who said what?" Platt shook her head as she wasn't sure she had heard right. Burgess didn't answer, she chewed on her bottom lip and Platt saw the tears in her eyes as suddenly Burgess felt all her chickens were coming home to roost. "Roman?" The flood of tears told her everything she needed to know. "Oh you are kidding me."

"It doesn't change the fact that he did nothing to change things once I called it off." Burgess cried indignantly, trying desperately to defend herself.

"Oh for the love of God." She pointed skywards in the general direction of Intelligence. "Did you tell him that? Did you talk to him? He thinks that you didn't love him, that you didn't want to marry him, that you are playing games with him. Why would he fight for someone he thinks didn't actually want to be with him?" Platt threw her hands up in the air. "You'd played right into Roman's hands and you know what is worse? You threw away the love of a good man along the way and made me look like a fool too." Platt shoved her glasses back on and turned on her heel leaving Kim feeling battered and bruised in the middle of the District foyer.

 _God, how could someone be so stupid?_ Platt grumbled to herself.

Adam retreated upstairs. He didn't know what to think anymore. Something had gone on that he wasn't aware of. Platt and Lindsay had both told him that it was his reluctance to set a date that made her call it off, yet it was her idea in the first place to push it back a year. Why was she telling him one thing and everyone else a completely different story? He was confused and he didn't want to be because that bought up a different set of feelings. Now he wanted answers and that meant he had to talk to her and he didn't think he was strong enough to do that.


	6. Peace

He rolled the heavy glass between his palms. The amber liquid clung to the smooth glass as it swirled rhythmically in the bottom of the glass. He bought the glass to his lips and stopped to inhale the sweet aroma. One thing he was proud of was the fact that he didn't let his life disappear into the bottom of a glass, not matter how much appeal it held at times. The path he chose was harder but it had been the right choice.

So much had happened, so much had changed over the past few weeks. He felt his anger lessen it's grip everyday. It was only affecting one person and that was him. It wasn't making him a better man, he wasn't someone that even he wanted to be around some days and that wasn't fair. He didn't deserve to be treated like he had been but neither did he deserve to let it define him going forward.

He wanted to move on and to do that and not just try and convince himself and everyone else that he was moving on he had to actually do it. He could no longer just give it lip service.

"Hey Kev." He had invited Atwater for a drink at Molly's. This was all part of his plan; the first thing he wanted to do was fix this friendship with Kevin. He wasn't going to run and hide from everything he enjoyed because the risk of bringing up old memories was too big.

"How ya doin?" They hadn't really talked for weeks. At work it was business as usual but that was where they left it and it had worked well for them so far. Slowly the ice melted and the anger and sense of betrayal eased.

"You know what. I feel like a bit of a dick."

"Don't be Man. I'm sorry, that must have been harsh to see. You didn't deserve that." Atwater had apologised at every opportunity. When he had seen the pain his buddy was in it hit home that he'd been in the wrong, on every level. He felt a bit blindsided that night. Roman had lobbed on him while he was waiting for Ruzek and he probably should have told him to leave but he didn't and then when Burgess came in he almost felt relief so that he could get away from them. He didn't know that Ruzek had seen them together and had the boot been on the other foot he would have felt let down by his buddy too.

"It was. It hurt and I felt betrayed and that everyone was taking a swing at me. I was struggling just to keep my head above water and every time I stuck my head up someone was there to push me back under."

"I know and I should have respected that Man. She was my partner and I wanted to make sure she was okay too. That case was brutal for her, the shooting I mean. I didn't like what went down in the courtroom though. I had no idea that was going on, I swear I found out the same time as you."

"Fair enough." He looked at his hands, still clutching the now empty glass. "I had no idea why it happened, what I'd done. I actually thought that everyone hated me. I think she does for some reason and that hurts like hell because I don't hate her."

"No one hates you Man. It's been a rough year for you that's for sure. Not even Kim hates you, far from it."

"Doesn't matter any more if she does or doesn't." he shrugged and ordered another drink when Otis came to collect the glasses. "I'm not in a great place yet, but I am getting there and that doesn't include revisiting old mistakes. However I do want to make things right with you."

Atwater leant across the table and grabbed his arm. "Dude, you and me will always be good. I fucked up, but I've got your back Man, from now on I got ya back." He offered his hand and they shook on it. "We good Bro."

Adam nodded. "We're good."

All he hoped for was that someone would look at him and say _'hey I know you've been through a meat grinder but you did good.'_ He wasn't expecting it though and perhaps all he was going to get was that things just got back to normal. Maybe he would never find out why all this shit landed at his feet.

"Oh Hey Burgess." He felt a knot form in his chest. He had made the decision to be polite at least when he saw her but it was harder than he expected and like a coward he had basically tried to hide from her whenever possible to avoid it. He still used the back stairs, avoided common areas whenever possible and the time he spent in the locker room was minimal.

Then she came upstairs, with her new partner who he couldn't remember the name of. The only thing he remember when he heard she had a new partner was that it was a female. Platt had apparently hand picked her for Burgess and he thought that maybe she might just be a little bit on his side, for once.

Perhaps Voight had been as well, although he had his own shit going on but they hadn't used Patrol much lately. He liked to think that the reason for that was to make things easier for him; that people were starting to see the situation for what it was and the tide was starting to turn in his favour.

She looked surprised as he spoke as he grabbed his mug and headed into break room, it was the first time he had uttered a word to her in weeks and it took all her determination not to run into the room after him and beg him to listen to her. She just wanted to explain things to him, to apologise and to beg him for forgiveness. If only she could tell him how much she missed him, desperately.

While they were helping them with this case he didn't see her much until he was waiting in the break room with Jayden, the young boy they had retrieved from an untenable situation, their first priority was to get him out of harm's way and Ruzek bought him back to the District. They were watching some YouTube videos on his phone while they waited for his Aunt to come and pick him up.

"Ruzek." Her voice held more than a little hint of nerves. She tried to appear casual and unaffected but it was impossible. He looked so content and comfortable with the boy tucked up under his shoulder. "Jayden's Aunt is downstairs."

"Okay." Something had shifted with him lately. He didn't seem bitter and angry whenever she saw him although he still avoided the places they might bump into each other. There was one time she loved that they could find a quiet spot here and there to share a moment and the memories of those better times caught her off guard sometimes. Like now, the surge of emotion she felt watching him was adding to her regret and confusion. She thought that would make her happy that he no longer seemed to hate her but it just added to the uncomfortable feeling she still had around him.

He paused just as he went to pass her in the doorway. She could feel him, his strength radiating from him. It was a type of strength that she had craved everyday since she walked away from him, even when she went looking for it in all the wrong places. "I'm sorry." She whispered and he looked at her for just a second.

Confusion ripped through him. He couldn't understand why she still made him feel like he did, why she still had this hold on him when she had made it perfectly clear that she wanted more than he had to offer. He laid his heart on the line the day he proposed and she seemed so happy. How had it gone so wrong so quickly?

Perhaps his decision not to be angry any more wasn't the right one either. This wasn't bringing him peace either.


	7. Life

**A/N: Well, this is the final chapter. It kinda started as a one-shot but morphed into a short story. I wanted to wrap it up before the new season...I hope what lies ahead for Ruzek & Burgess at least makes sense, because last season was all over the shop. SO thank you for reading & reviewing, I hope you enjoyed it, I feel better for getting it off my chest...I guess the question remains...Will they or won't they?**

Adam threw his head back and laughed. Atwater was keeping them all entertained with a story about a night out with Mouse. Atwater thought he was a loose cannon but he had nothing on Mouse. The only reason Ruzek had bailed on that night was because he was working and he had been keen but listening to Atwater's account maybe it hadn't been such a bad thing.

The smile died on his lips as he spied Burgess heading towards them. His mind flashed back to that night after they had spent the day on Patrol together and he had watched her walk into Molly's and felt the earth shift under him a little. Ah, the good old days.

He couldn't avoid her forever.

"Hey Burgess." He nodded as she stopped by their table. Atwater eyed him and saw the faintest on nods from Ruzek before he invited Burgess to pull up a stool.

"Adam, How are you?"

He nodded. "Good." And returned his attention to Mouse who was now trying to defend himself, unsuccessfully.

The worst that could happen was that they were left alone together and that was precisely what happened. She looked just as uncomfortable as he felt.

"You can leave if you want. I won't be offended." Adam took a large mouthful of beer and stared straight ahead.

Kim bit down on a sharp reply. _'You'd like that.'_ Was what she wanted to say, he had made nothing easy for her initially, not that she could really blame him. It had been hard enough coming back and having to earn the respect of every single person in the building all over again. People were still talking behind her back, that much she knew however that was easier to deal with than the outright hostility she got from him. Well when he wasn't completely ignoring her anyway.

Even Platt had reamed her out about her treatment of Ruzek. She'd even taking to calling her Julia Roberts. "What?" Burgess looked confused but knew that Platt would have some pithy reason and just rolled her shoulders a little and waited for it.

"You know Julia Roberts, big lips, big smile. The Runaway Bride." _Ahh and there it was._

Suddenly the tables had turned and she no longer had the sympathy of her boss about how badly Ruzek had treated her. It made her re-evaluate every decision she had made lately and the realisation that they had been pretty ordinary had hit her like a tonne of bricks.

He wouldn't even let her apologise.

"How's the new partner?" she shook her head. Had he really spoken to her? Asked her a question? She had almost forgotten what his voice sounded like. Almost.

"Great. Hopefully she'll stick around." He did know that she had been through a few partners recently and knew she probably hated that, change was one thing Kim wasn't good at….or at least she never used to be.

Adam fell silent again. That question had drained the life from him a little.

Kim could sense his unease and was worried he was about to bolt. It was tenuous but at least they were talking, almost. "You've been busy upstairs."

"Always." This was torture. "Anyway. I'm gonna take off." He drained the rest of his beer.

"Do you have to go?" She cringed a little at how desperate she sounded.

"I do." Looking at his phone he jumped up suddenly. "I have a date." He paused at the edge of the table and she held her breath. "Have a good night." Swallowing whatever he wanted to say he tapped the table lightly and was gone.

And he wasn't lying. It was time to stop talking about moving on and start doing it. He wasn't exactly excited by the prospect of tonight's date hence he was sitting in a bar having a few drinks before he met her, Dutch courage if you will. It was a girlfriend of his old school buddy's wife and they had been at him for months about meeting them for dinner. Jules had been in a long-term relationship and was suddenly on her own. No matter how much they tried to talk her up he just couldn't get interested, but he needed to give it a go.

Burgess felt like her balloon had just been popped. Atwater suddenly appeared beside her. "Hey Burgess, you here all alone?"

"Yeah. Ruzek had to go."

"Oh yeah, he said he had a date." From the corner of his eye he could see that she looked like she had seen a ghost. "What did you expect?"

"Nothing I guess." She shrugged. "I just hoped we could talk a little."

"Perhaps you should have done that months ago."

Burgess looked down at her hands. The last few weeks she had certainly come to the realisation that her behaviour had caused more damage than she imagined. Her heart had been broken, but perhaps she had broken it herself as much as she wanted to blame Ruzek for everything. She didn't talk to him when she should have and now that she was ready he didn't want anything to do with her. "I wish I had." She added quietly.

"Now he's doing exactly what you did. Moving on. You let him go, you can't expect him to jump for joy now that Roman has left and you are feeling lonely or guilty."

 _Wow, that hurt_. Is that what everyone thought? That she was trying to crawl her way back to him because it didn't work out with Roman; that had nothing to do with it. Roman was her desperate attempt to feel anything but hurt. She was hurt because he didn't seem to care about winning her back; she was tired of waiting for him to do something. "That's not it at all."

"No? That's exactly what it looks like from his side of the fence." Atwater wasn't sure how hard he should go. Should he lay it all out no matter what the fall out might be? "You never wanted to talk to him before, why now? You were more interested in talking to everyone else about Ruzek except him and then you made it perfectly clear you were over him by jumping into bed with Roman. So leave him alone."

"I was never over him."

"Pity you didn't tell him that."

"I'm trying."

"Not now Burgess, it's too late. You made this mess. Sure I know he is not completely blameless and believe me he knows that too but you never gave him a chance to change. Dude can't change if you don't tell him what's wrong. He's a man, not a mind reader. We are all pretty dumb when it comes to these things."

"He didn't want to marry me?"

"Are you sure? Did you ask him?"

"He didn't want to set a date, kept putting it off."

"Because you asked him too, am I right? Burgess, I love you girl but you are pretty stupid sometimes."

 _And the hits just kept coming._

"Can I be honest with you?" Burgess chuckled painfully at Atwater's question. He had been pretty honest so far, why bother asking now? She nodded. Probably best to rip the Band-Aid off and get it all out on the table now, although she wished it was Adam she was having it out with.

"Perhaps it was you who was having doubts? Perhaps you were more interested in the actual fancy wedding day and less interested in the actual marriage."

"I wanted to marry him, that's why I said yes."

"And perhaps he wanted everyday after the wedding not just a pretty dress and some nice photos to hang on the wall?"

Kim tossed and turned all night. Her chat with Atwater was confronting. All along she justified her actions because of Adam's lack of reaction but what if he really didn't know? She told Erin that she didn't want to call it off but that it needed to be called off. But why did it? Why didn't she just tell him that he wasn't getting out of meeting her mother? Why did she give him that stupid push test? He didn't know he was being tested, that was completely unfair to him.

At the time it all made sense, but then again Roman kept telling her that it did and almost encouraging her doubts and insecurities. That marrying a cop was a bad idea, that she was his bronze medal. Had Platt been right? She had thrown away the love of a good man, and she did know that Adam loved her. That was never in doubt but basically she threw a temper tantrum because he wasn't as excited by the wedding as she was.

Adam looked at the girl sitting next to him, he felt empty but he blamed that on his run in with Burgess.

He felt bad that he'd been such a dead weight so he organised to catch up with her the next day for a late breakfast and he was in a much better frame of mind and enjoyed himself. Perhaps he could do this.

Pulling into the parking lot he felt a stab in his chest when he spotted her waiting by her car. What was she waiting for? Him? He wasn't sure he was ready to see her again so soon. Friday night had been hard enough. Despite making the decision that he couldn't carry around the anger and hurt anymore because the weight of it was bringing him down that didn't mean he wanted to be around her either.

He waited for a few minutes but looking at his phone he knew he was cutting it fine. Grabbing his bag he tried to look non-plussed. "Have you got a minute?" she asked as she approached him tentatively.

"Not really." He looked at his phone again. "I'm already late."

"Adam, I am sorry that I hurt you. I was completely unfair to you and you deserved better. It was never my intention to hurt you but I was confused and scared and I am sorry." All the words came out in a rush, she knew she didn't have long and she was grateful that he had seemingly given her this much. All morning she had stewed over what she wanted to say, this probably wasn't perfect but it was a start.

"Okay."

"I miss our friendship and I miss you."

"Burgess, I appreciate the apology." He paused and for just a minute and thought of what he really wanted to say but instead he added. "I am not sure we can be friends." What he wanted to say was that he missed her too but that would open up wounds that had barely healed so it was better to leave them to scab over. He knew the best thing for him to do was to keep doing what he was doing. Moving on, learning from his mistakes and taking care of his own heart for a while.

"Oh." Kim's face fell. She had been stupid to expect more. That was not what she wanted to hear.

"Not yet anyway."

It was the smallest of olive branches, the door was left slightly ajar, and it was a small sliver of light and that was all he left her to cling to as he walked away.

Just like she had done to him.


End file.
